I took my children to the town market last weekend. The first stall we saw happened to be a toy one, more specifically a Legoman one. There were hundreds and hundreds of Lego men, it was quite overwhelming for me, so you can imagine what happened to the mind of a 6 year old boy! I said he could choose two. Two out of hundreds? How could he possibly make a choice? He chose two, then changed one, and then the other, and then repeated the process around 7 times. Then the Lego men started to fall onto the ground - although that might have been the other 6 year olds around, who were equally as overwhelmed and excited. Eventually he chose two and, before he could change his mind one more time, I quickly paid and we walked off. He loved his Lego men... for the whole of 10 minutes! Then he asked me to go back to the toy stall so he could have another look and ask the seller if he could swap for different ones.
When I come to think about it, it is not the first time this happens. I have previously thought that my son was someone who liked choosing things more than having things. He loves his new (you name it!) until he doesn't anymore, but the whole process happens in a very short window of time.
Long story short, this episode made me curious about the idea of choice. Not only for children, as I have caught myself - (way) more than a handful of times - endlessly scrolling down my screen as I try to find, let's say, a new pair of headphones on Amazon. I search for the perfect one, with all those (i)relevant features for the smallest price I can find. Have you ever seen how many options for Bluetooth headphones Amazon has on offer?
Options are great though, right?
The more choice I have, the more freedom I have.
The more freedom I have, the more content I feel.
Except that the last thing I feel when I am obsessively scrolling down trying to find that perfect background image for my posts, is freedom. I feel trapped. And I cannot make a decision without second guessing myself. It is paralysing!
Choosing the most fun Lego man or the perfect pair of headphones seems somewhat ludicrous, but if we think about, we are faced with near infinite options for each decision we make throughout the day and throughout our lives.
Once upon a time, in the age of little choice, men and women were born into a world that was more or less determined. Women were expected to marry men; men were expected to provide for their family; they were expected to have babies within a short space of time after wedlock. You could choose a different path, but the pressure for you to stick to tradition was often too strong to fight against. And in any case, if you got something that was not satisfactory, it wasn't really your fault, the world was responsible, it was out of our hands.
Fast forward to 2020 and society doesn't expect you to marry; or choose one career to stick with until you retire. But, if you choose, let's say, to invest in your career before building a family, but then find yourself regretting it as you watch your friends raise their children, you can only place the blame on yourself. After all, it was your choice. Anything below perfect (which is everything) is disappointing and the attention is diverted to the choice you didn't make (the perfect one). So, in a way, freedom is us forever focused on what we don't have, or what we could have had if we made better choices.
So, when someone says "you are your choices", it only increases your sense of inadequacy. It makes it more difficult to own your choices, to feel empowered by them. The stakes are high, because we are aiming for perfection.
My son doesn't realise that he is already immersed in this. But I want him to, eventually. I want him to be aware that he is not his choices. He is what he learns from the choices he makes, and the feelings that arise as a result of them, when he has to tolerate the imperfect Legoman. Because even if we did go back to that stall, so he could swap Legomen, he still wouldn't have chosen the perfect one. Simply because there was no perfect Legoman there, or anywhere.
Being aware of this thinking pattern is, sometimes, all you can do. Realising that you got caught up in a loop of uncertainty about the different shades of blue you can have in a pair of jeans is brilliant. Noticing is the first step in getting out a trance. Putting these situations into perspective can also help: will I still remember this choice in 5 hours? Or 5 days? Or 5 months?
For the sake of our mental health, let's turn good enough into the new perfect!
If you feel you are getting caught up in a loop and is struggling to make decisions, or to be satisfied with your decisions and you would like to consider different relationships with your choices and perfection, get in touch.
