Have you ever caught yourself, or witnessed your partner, having an anger outburst? They can be pretty scary for whoever is on their receiving end. And because anger can look so frightening from the outside (and sometimes the inside), some people believe that anger is a bad feeling, a feeling that should be avoided and not expressed. But experts suggest a different way of looking at it. There is no such thing as a negative emotion, although we may all agree that some feelings are more uncomfortable than others. Anger is one of the difficult ones because if badly managed, it can hurt people around you and leave you feeling ashamed and guilty, or in real trouble. Anger is one of our six basic emotions (alongside disgust, fear, happiness, sadness, and surprise). We are biologically designed to experience anger as a response to threatening or frustrating situations. Anger triggers the “fight, flight, or freeze” response of our nervous system. It gives us energy and focus to react and fight for survival. But if we fast forward time to the 21st century, we notice that although we still carry the same strategies as our predecessors, our need to fight for survival has decreased exponentially. Nevertheless anger is still useful at this day and age. We still feel angry when things don't go our way, or if you were wrongly accused, or when we have a stressful day at work, or when the bills are piling up, or our children refuse to eat their dinner. The thing about anger is that each of us respond to it in a different way. Some people develop a greater capacity for self-control and are better at managing emotions. Others might end up 'spilling out' on those who are closest to them, most often spouse and children. Understanding that anger is different to violence or aggression is crucial. It is crucial so that you don't deny yourself from your emotions, but also so you don't excuse yourself from your behaviour. What does anger look like in practice? Passive Aggression / Anger Repression Some people find it hard to admit that they are angry, therefore can’t express it. Maybe because they believe anger to be a bad feeling; maybe because they don't like confrontation, or upset. The problem here is that bottled up anger can turn inwards, causing depression and anxiety. Or they can express their anger through passive actions, such as becoming silent, sulking, procrastinating, or pretending “everything is fine”, but giving signals that nothing is fine. Open Aggression / Anger Explosions Many people have little control over what their emotions “do” to their bodies, and they tend to lash out, becoming physically or verbally aggressive. This can come out in fighting, bullying, accusing, shouting, bickering, sarcasm and criticism. It can lead to people often hurting themselves or others. Assertive Anger A healthy way of dealing with anger is being mindful of it. Staying in the present, recognising how you feel it in your body and sitting with it; understanding your go to strategies, at the same time that you refrain from mindless reactions. That means you think before you speak; you are confident in how you say it; you are open and flexible to the ‘other side’; you do not raise your voice; you communicate how you are feeling emotionally and also try and understand what others are feeling. Anger that is monitored via self-awareness can help relationships to grow and give you a sense of achievement. Finally, if you have been struggling to manage your anger - or any difficult emotions, there are ways in which you can practice more mindful responses. However these established patterns of behaviour take time and perseverance to be modified. Be kind to yourself.
Physical and verbal violence is unacceptable and not tolerable
If you feel out of control, walk away from the situation temporarily, until you cool down - you will cool down eventually;
Keep a diary of your anger outbursts, to try and understand how and why you get mad;
Keep a diary of days in which you were proud of how you managed your anger;
Learn relaxation techniques, such as mindfulness and meditation;
Exercise regularly.
If you feel you can benefit from professional support to manage difficult emotions, don’t hesitate and get in touch today.
